We’re never going to work this out are we? I keep expecting to turn a corner and for things to be alright again. But they won’t. I think of you often.

I am sick, not in a life-threatening way, but in a way that would make you worry and fuss about me. I wonder why it was so hard to be still this time, to rest and recover. I restlessly want to be out in the world, want connection, stimulation. I want you. You would talk with me endlessly when I fell ill. Keeping me company, checking on my illness, encouraging me to rest, rest and rest some more and not feel guilt.

Now there is just silence. I have to take care of myself, for the first time, without you.  It is an emptiness that bounces your name, your memory, around my head like an echo. 

I wonder what you would think of the guy I’m seeing now. Would you think he is good enough for me? You didn’t think much of the others. It seems like you are so far away, fading quickly into the distance, yet so close. You witnessed the last heartbreak, which still feels fresh.

This time last year you were here, with me.

Figuring out how to live without you is harder than it has any right to be. I miss you, you kept my history, you would have known what to say.

Love always to your memory,

Me